Wednesday, November 14, 2007


Traveling south down I-75 is an odd thing. As you get out of the suburbs of Detroit and head down towards Monroe it's a nice enough trip, but once you leave Michigan and pass that crazy maze of on and off ramps that looks like something I created with my Matchbox cars when I was seven, you notice the one prevailing and overwhelming aspect of Ohio: everything is brown. There are no trees, there are no plants of any kind, no grass, no buildings... nothing. It's just yellowish brown as far as the eye can see. Every once and a while there will be some sort of barn or shack or a giant porn warehouse with a massive billboard for a sign. I think there are fireworks stores, too, but who knows?

Ohio sucks. It's where happiness goes to die.

It's just a collection of middling sized cities strung together by a barren wasteland of rotting Americana and dead grass. This is why they build so many theme parks in Ohio... life is so bad that they need distractions to keep the rabble from revolting. There is nothing else there, honestly... I've been there, and if you haven't, you aren't missing anything.

It's a horrible, horrible land that is represented perfectly by the colors of The Ohio State University. Scarlet for blood and grey for depression. It really makes you wonder about that "I don't give a damn" song of theres. What is there to brag about when you live in such a hellhole?

I would list all the transgressions that Ohio has perpetrated about the state of Michigan throughout history, but it would take far too long, so I'll just limit it to two simple things. Firstly, they stole Toledo from us. I understand that Toledo sucks, but at least it doesn't suck as bad as the rest of Ohio. Maybe if it hadn't been wrongfully annexed by Ohio it would be a nice city nowadays. Secondly, Ohio has the gall to exist right next to us, and certainly pollutes our very air with inferiority by just being there. Oh, and their drivers are horrible. Seriously, get in the right lane if you're not going as fast as the car coming up behind you.

And I haven't even gotten to the first aspect of the state yet... Columbus.

While I've never been to the city itself, the capital of this giant road apple, I have heard stories. Horrible, horrible stories of urine soaked parking structures and mutant subhumans crawling out of the sewers at night time. Tales of fans being assaulted in the streets and in that giant horseshoe shaped gladiatorial arena. It is not a place to venture into on a whim.

I could go on, but I will save you the further horror of having to read about such a bastion of evil. Just take my word that it is the most horrible place on earth.

Besides, their university is really awful. Their mascot is a damn nut for heaven's sake.


Cowbell Commander said...

agreed! you going to the game? let's have a beer if so - I'm in town this weekend!

KDM said...

"Ohio sucks. It's where happiness goes to die."

That is the most profound thing anyone has ever said. Kudos!

Anonymous said...

top notch stuff, good sir

Anonymous said...

"If called, my brave sons of Michigan, would you rise up and fight for her in a war against Ohio?"

I know that The Max and Madator would

Anonymous said...

Hey know, northern ohio is piece of crap and so is columbus but when you get to southeast ohio it gets better, trust me! The natives of cincinnati however, are the biggest bandwagon osu fans in the world and that is the worst part of living here!